A few years ago, I experienced major burnout relating to driving my kids to activities. It was springtime, and the spring sports had just started. I had three kids enrolled in a sport each. Their schedules were such that at least one kid had an activity on each day of the week, with some sports overlapping on the same day and time at different locations. My husband and I tried to divide and conquer; however, I often had to rush home from work, warm up a pizza pop (or some other quick food) for my kids and spend most of the evening driving to and from sports.
\n \nI experienced increased stress levels and fatigue to the point that we took a break from all activities the following season.
\nIf you are feeling burned out from the increasing pressure to fill your child’s activity calendar, know that you are not alone. Parental burnout is a real term and can occur due to limited resources needed to manage parental stressors that arise. Increased parental stress can occur in response to the demands that parents face as they navigate financial pressure, limited time available, and worry about adequately fulfilling their children’s needs. Some stressors may also occur in societies (such as ours) when an individualistic mentality drives parents to fulfill their responsibilities without asking for help. Why do parents find themselves in these situations, which can lead to potential burnout? Possibly, societal pressure to provide our kids with every opportunity plays a role. Parents may also wish to avoid the guilt that accompanies saying no to something their kids enjoy.
\nThis drive to provide our kids with these opportunities does have benefits, and extracurricular activities are associated with increased prosocial behaviour, reduced levels of anxiety, and decreased levels of depression. However, this type of enrichment should not come at the expense of parental mental health. So, how do we maintain our mental health while balancing our desire to enrich our children’s lives through extracurricular activities?
\nPut on your own oxygen mask first. You may have heard this sage advice while travelling on an airplane, and it also applies to parenting. Trying to manage our emotions related to stress may affect not only our mental health but how we parent our children. For example, I find it a lot harder to be patient with my children when I am feeling stressed and tired. Putting on your oxygen mask involves evaluating your capacity, both emotionally (for example, will I be okay with waking up every Saturday morning for an early ice time?) and logistically (for example, does my current financial situation allow for the activity?).
\nResearch hidden costs and commitment. Sometimes, extracurricular activities require more than the basic time commitment. There may be equipment costs, tournament fees, additional time spent at tournaments, and mandatory volunteer hours. Knowing these extras in advance can help with the decision to move forward with an activity.
\nExplore alternatives. A wide variety of activities are available, with varying levels of time and financial commitment. These can include competitive sports, recreational sports, art classes, and music classes. There are also other options with lower costs and less commitment, such as pond hockey, sledding, street hockey, bike riding, and going for walks.
\nAttune to your child’s needs, not their wants. My middle child would happily sign up for every sport available, and I learned the hard way that fulfilling all of her wishes has negative consequences for both of us. I found that continuously trying to coax a child into attending the activities that I’ve spent money on can increase stress levels in both parents and children. We quickly realized that she needs downtime right after school and is happiest attending an activity no more than twice per week. It can be helpful to consider your child’s capacity for attending activities before school, after school, and on weekends.
\nSelf-compassion. We may wish to provide our children with all the opportunities that extracurricular activities offer, but it’s okay to say no when the activity doesn’t work for your family. This boundary can sometimes be challenging and may evoke parental guilt, so self-compassion is crucial. Every family is different, and opting for more family time, living within your financial means, or simply avoiding the stress that may accompany a hectic schedule has its benefits as well.
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Josée is a registered psychologist with Flutterby Psychology (flutterbypsychology.com) in Okotoks, AB. She specializes in working with children from newborn to age 12, offering counselling in areas such as anxiety, social issues, ADHD, Autism, behavioral concerns, emotional regulation, divorce or separation, and trauma. In addition to counselling, she also provides consultation services to parents.
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References
\nLa Charite, J., Macinko, J., Hedrick, R., Santoro, M., & Dudovitz, R. (2023). Extracurricular activities, child and caregiver mental health, and parental aggravation – A national cross-sectional study. Academic Pediatrics, 23(7), 1394-1402. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.acap.2023.01.001
\nNielsen, T., Pontoppidan, M., & Rayce, S. B. (2020). The parental stress scale revisited: Rasch-based construct validity for Danish parents of children 2-18 years old with and without behavioral problems. Health and Quality of Life Outcomes, 18(1), 1-281. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12955-020-01495-w
\nRoskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arena, A. F., Arikan, G., Aunola, K., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Budak, A. M., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B., Dorard, G., dos Santos Elias, L. C., Dunsmuir, S., Egorova, N., Favez, N., …Mikolajczak, M. (2024). Three reasons why parental burnout is more prevalent in individualistic countries: A mediation study in 36 countries. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 59(4), 681-694. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-023-02487-z
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