If you feel like all you hear from your child is “NO! NO! NO!” you are not alone. The situation is fairly common, and it’s not about bad parenting or about bad kids. Let’s consider why it’s happening, how you can deal with it, and how you might be able to change the habit over time.
\n \nWhy defiance?
\nMany kids don’t feel that they have power in day-to-day situations. They get dragged to different activities, feel bossed around to get up, brush teeth, stop one thing and start another. They try to get control wherever they can. They hear the power of “no,” and use it on us in return.
\nWhen we present an option that they hadn’t anticipated, or don’t understand, the easiest first response is “NO!” It shows that they have power and it stops the unknown, if only for a moment.
\nA child’s “NO!” may invite a lot of attention from a parent. Convincing, explaining, pleading, arguing – all these interactions are one-on-one forms of attention that keep the adult engaged with the child, and away from siblings or technology. It’s a great reward for this “NO!” response.
\nKnowing that a “NO!” response is normal can be helpful. A parent can anticipate it and, instead of being disappointed or arguing, can acknowledge it and then let it be.
\n“Oh, I hear you don’t like this new idea much right now. I’m glad you told me how you feel. Let’s take some time to get used to it and we’ll talk about it more later.”
\nWhen you next discuss the “thing,” you can show a picture of it or describe it with more information. You don’t need an answer, you just want to talk about it. If the “thing” is optional, you can let the child have a yes or no. If the thing will happen, you can mention that too.
\n“This thing is going to happen. I get that your first response was a no because this is something different and you don’t know a lot about it. We are going to be doing this thing, so I hope that you’ll give your body some time to get used to the idea and I’m happy to answer any questions or talk about ways we can make this better together.”
\nDefiance about a little thing
\nSometimes, the “thing” getting a “NO!” is so insignificant that it doesn’t warrant this much attention or time. Here are some alternative responses you could try:
\nExample: It’s time to put on shoes and head to the car. “NO!”
\nChanging the habit
\nIt can feel like our kids will never change their challenging behaviors. Often, this is only true because they can’t imagine any other way for the scenario to happen. Sometimes, changing the habit is as simple as coming up with alternative scripts.
\nIn a calm time, ask your child if they know their usual response when you ask them to do something. They may be able to tell you, “I say NO!” Then, you can ask them to tell you if there are any other ways that they could answer a question – What other words could they use instead of “NO”?
\nTogether, work on a list of possible answers:
\nThen, it’s time to practice – ask your child to pick an answer and then role-play and ask them to use that new answer. It’s all pretend at this point. Then you pick an answer, and your child asks you a question like, “Can I have ice cream for dinner?” and you give your chosen answer.
\nThen it’s time to put this into play in the real world. Before you make your next suggestion or give an instruction, take out the list and ask your child to pick the response they’ll use – then go ahead and put it to the test. Support your child’s effort and see what happens. If they say, “Tell me more,” then please, tell them more. Don’t get roped into too much attention if it doesn’t work the first time. Life is a work in progress.
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Author, blogger, podcast host, and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today:
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