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As a parent, we want to shield our children from negative experiences, but in reality, we know this isn’t possible. Failure is a part of life and life won’t always go your child’s way. It is inevitable that your child will need to deal with defeat and disappointment. It is important to build your child’s resilience to weather these times.
\n \nYou want to protect your children from disappointment because of deep, instinctive, and emotional reasons. Your caregiving instinct kicks in when you see your child crushed and you empathize with that pain. You may worry defeat might make your child feel like a failure and break their confidence. You may think being a good parent is to ‘make things okay’ instead of letting your child face challenges. You may feel pressure to smooth the path for your child. You may be uncomfortable dealing with disappointment yourself. You may want to try to protect your child from your own past disappointments, hoping to give them a smoother ride than you had.
\nOverprotecting children from defeat and disappointment can rob them of essential emotional growth. The goal isn’t to prevent all pain; it is to help them build the tools to navigate it with confidence and support. Disappointment, when handled with support, helps your child develop:
\nHow will you support and inspire your child in the face of defeat and disappointment? Helping your child deal with disappointment is an important life skill that fosters resilience, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. Start by reframing your own thinking about your job as a parent in this situation. Make the switch from parenting to protect to parenting to prepare. Remember that as a parent, you can’t protect your child from every hard moment, but you can be there to help them through it. Here are practical steps to guide your child through disappointment in a healthy and supportive way.
\nAcknowledge your child’s hurt feelings
\nListen to your child and give them a chance to express their feelings. Supporting your child is acknowledging and expressing, rather than suppressing the negative feelings that will come with defeat and disappointment. Although you may think that your child’s reaction is bigger than the situation calls for, it is important to validate their hurt rather than minimize their feelings. Sharing a time that you were disappointed and how you coped can also help to normalize your child’s feelings.
\nSeek to understand and show empathy
\nShow understanding of why this was important to your child. You may need to ask your child some questions to understand why they are feeling disappointment. Whether the loss is understandable for you or it seems trivial to you, we can empathize by saying things like:
\n“I know you really wanted that, and it hurts not to get it.”
\nHelp them understand why
\nExplain the situation in age-appropriate terms. Was the situation out of your child’s control? Did your child give their best and still fell short of their goal? This can prevent them from personalizing aspects of the situation that are out of their control. It can also help them understand that even when they try their best, others are also trying their best and from time to time, someone else may come out on top. For example, when both teams train and do their best in the competition, there can be only one winner although both teams may have equally deserved to win.
\nTeach coping strategies
\nEncourage your child to do something that they find relaxing. Breathing exercises, drawing, arts and crafts, journaling, a quiet space with sensory or calming tools, or physical activity can help process emotions. Model these techniques yourself.
\nLook for the silver lining together
\nOnce emotions settle, help your child reflect on the situation. What parts can they control? Is there anything they can do differently next time? What did they learn? This builds resilience and a proactive mindset.
\nModel resilience
\nConsider what your child is learning when they see you handling your own disappointments. Do you handle setbacks calmly? Do you acknowledge your mistakes? Do you keep trying even when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to? Remember that your children watch more than they listen. Are you teaching your child the resilience you would like them to learn?
\nPraise effort, not just outcomes
\nReinforce your child’s efforts, attempts, and courage rather than the result. It takes time to build emotional resilience. Celebrate small steps and growth. Instead of praising results (“You got an A!”), try praising effort, attitude, and persistence. This builds a growth mindset and reduces fear of failure.
\nRemind yourself: the goal isn’t to raise a child who never cries, it is to raise one who can handle disappointment and grow from it. Letting your child face disappointment, with your guidance and love, builds lifelong strength.
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Here are some books for inspiration:
\nAges 3 to 8
\nA girl becomes frustrated when her invention doesn’t work but learns to keep trying.
\nHelps kids understand disappointment and self-expression.
\nA classic about dealing with a bad day.
\nEncourages kids to shift from “I can’t” to “I can’t do that yet.”
\nExplains how the brain grows and learns in fun, age-appropriate language.
\nEncourages kids to see mistakes as a normal part of learning.
\nCompares a “fixed” brain and a “bubble gum” (stretchy) brain.
\nEncourages kids to see problems as opportunities.
\nAges 8 to 12
\nA graphic novel that touches on anxiety, resilience, and dealing with hard emotions.
\nEngaging workbook with exercises and prompts to build resilience and self-belief.
\nA humorous but honest take on disappointment, failure, and trying again.
\nTeens
\nOffers practical tools and stories about resilience, peer pressure, and setbacks.
\nExplores the idea that passion and persistence matter more than talent.
\nBooks for Parents
\nTeaches how to respond to children's emotions in ways that support growth.
\nOffers communication tools for parents to handle emotions like disappointment.
\nFocuses on fostering emotional strength and coping skills.
\nWhile aimed at parents, includes practical activities for working with your child.
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Dr Harriet Johnston is a registered psychologist in Calgary. She works at the Eckert Psychology & Education Centre where she provides child, adolescent, and adult assessment as well as Solution Focused Brief Therapy to individuals, couples, and families. She also runs a solo private practice, Cowtown Psychology.
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