Speaking your child’s love language

Written by: Ashlee Ellerbruch, M.C., R. Psych., and Lisa Kaldenbach, M.A., R. Psych.

In the early ‘90s, Gary Chapman wrote a brief but powerful book called The 5 Love Languages, which was based on his personal experiences counselling couples. He noticed that there were five common ways that couples both expressed and received love from each other. 

Each love language represents a unique way of providing love, affection, connection and, in their own way, they each help your partner to feel seen and valued. The beautiful thing about love languages is that the same themes can also be found in the relationship between a parent and child. Before we break down how to start identifying your own child’s love language, let’s do a quick review on what each love language looks and sounds like.

Words of affirmation: Children who respond positively to words of affirmation feel loved when they hear positive, encouraging, and supportive words. Hearing words of affection and appreciation builds their self-esteem and communicates care.

How to connect:

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• Offer positive praise: “Wow, you built that all by yourself? I am so proud of you!”
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• Express love regularly: “I love you, you are kind and caring.”
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• Encourage them with uplifting words when they face challenges: “I know this is hard for you, but you are a great problem-solver who can get through this.”
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Quality time: Children who thrive off quality time feel loved when they have your undivided attention. Shared activities and small meaningful moments strengthen the relationship and make them feel loved and cared for.

How to connect:

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• Set aside time each day to engage in a shared activity without distractions. Having a regular morning or nighttime ritual can be a great time to connect.
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• Playing games together or joining their favorite activities. This also means staying off your phone or multitasking during this time.
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• Genuinely listening when your child speaks, showing interest in what they have to say.
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Acts of kindness: In the original 5 Love Languages, this is referred to as “acts of service,” but we like to think of this love language as acts of kindness. Children who value these acts feel loved when others go out of their way to help them. Simple acts of care demonstrate your support and desire to meet their needs.

How to connect:

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• Help them with tasks they find challenging, like tying shoes or making their favorite meal, fixing a broken toy, or carrying their heavy backpack.
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• Connect through daily actions, for example, like packing their lunch with a special note inside or having a goodbye ritual before they go to school.
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Receiving gifts: For some children, receiving thoughtful gifts is a concrete expression of love. It’s not necessarily the item itself, but the meaning behind the gift that matters to them.

How to connect:

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• Try giving small, thoughtful gifts that show you’ve been thinking about them. This can be a special sticker, an interesting rock you found, or a special treat you baked.
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• Create a special box where your child can collect gifts and other items from you.
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• Celebrating the gifts that they give you by displaying artwork or creations in a special place. 
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• Physical Touch: For many children, physical touch is the most meaningful way to receive love. Hugs, kisses, and other forms of positive physical connection provide a sense of safety and warmth.
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How to connect:

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• Offer hugs and cuddles throughout the day.
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• Allow your child to sit in your lap during a movie or hold hands during a walk together.
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• Create bedtime rituals that involve physical closeness, like a goodnight hug or snuggling during story time.
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When your child is little, it is important to expose them to all five of the love languages. Some of them might not come as easily to you depending on what your own love languages are, but children thrive off all types of love in their early years. As your children grow and mature, you might start to notice that they respond differently to different expressions of love. They might seem more fulfilled by certain expressions of love, while other attempts at connection seem to leave them wanting more. Use these curiosity questions to help narrow down your child’s primary love language:

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• How does my child show love to me?
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• How does my child show love to others?
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• What type of love does my child request more? For example, do they ask for lots of hugs? Do they want you to do activities with them? Are they always asking for your help or praise?
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• Notice what your child feels most uncomfortable with or what they complain about the most.
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• Offer two different options and see what they choose (for example, “Do you want a cuddle on the couch or should we take a walk to the park together?”).
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Overall, understanding and speaking your child’s love language can enhance your relationship and build a strong foundation of connection and security. By showing love in ways that matter to them, you‘re strengthening your bond and building their confidence.

Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations and more! kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.

See our related articles:

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• To the Moon and Back - 10 Love Lessons for the Whole Family
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• Making a Communication Connection With Your Preschooler
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• The art of positive self-talk
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