Spending more time inside in the winter months can amplify conflict in sibling relationships. Whether your children already have a good relationship or they seem to be constantly bickering and fighting, taking a solution-focused approach can help to improve sibling relationships.
\n \nSolution Focused Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counselling that is oriented towards a client’s desired future outcomes, regardless of the problem they bring to therapy. The questions solution-focused therapists ask help clients to uncover their resources and strengths through exploring success they have had in the past, and imagining their success in the future to promote healing. Applying a solution-focused approach can provide some strategies on fostering positive sibling relationships and minimizing rivalry.
\nThink about what you want to see in the future. If you have a clear picture of the type of sibling relationship you want to see between your children, you can better support and foster behaviors that support this future relationship. Instead of thinking about what you don’t want (e.g., less arguing), identify what you do want instead (e.g., more peaceful interactions). This will help you to set a path forward and help you to recognize times when even small steps towards your future vision occur.
\nInvolve your children. Talk to your children about the importance of sibling relationships and what you hope to see. Welcome and engage with their thoughts and ideas. This will allow them to have some involvement in the process. Your children may find ways to have a better relationship that you don’t realize would help. For example, they may identify a specific trigger to their conflict that you didn’t realize that could be changed (e.g., invading personal space, taking prized possessions, striving for equal parental time or attention).
\nTalk about past successes. Consider the times, no matter how fleeting, when your children have shown their best relationship. Talk about times that they have had better interactions in the past. What was happening at that time to make this possible? Is it at a certain time of day? Does it revolve around a specific activity? Remembering these times can help you identify ways to nurture this success again.
\nIdentify your children’s resources. Think about the strengths, skills, and traits that your children possess that would contribute to more positive sibling relationships. Talk to your children about the things that make them great and how you see this could help in improving their sibling relationships. Can they show the kindness you see in their friendships with their siblings? Can they share their humor or teach them a new skill?
\nHelp your child build skills. As your children will likely have a two or more-year age gap between them, there are often lagging skills that need to be built that will support a more positive relationship. Does a younger child need to be taught to ask for permission before playing with a sibling’s toys? Can an older sibling learn how to demonstrate patience with a younger sibling? Can your children learn ways to talk to each other to better resolve conflict?
\nFoster connection through positive family time together. Time playing family games, where siblings can team up together or games that ask questions to get to know your family members better, can give a chance for positive interactions. Family outings, making meals, or doing a craft or project together are all times for forging positive bonds.
\nSpend time with each child individually. Some sibling conflict can be linked to your children’s rivalry for your attention. Take some time to spend with each child on their own with you on a shared activity you both like. Do you have a shared interest you can explore? Is there an errand you can run together? This can be especially important if one child typically needs more of your time for their day to day needs.
\nModel positive relationships. Think about the relationships that your child is seeing modeled daily. Are your children seeing models of the type of relationship you want to see between them? Do they get to see a positive sibling relationship between their parent’s siblings? Are there steps you can take to have better relationships with your own siblings?
\nNotice and celebrate your successes along the way. We have such an easy time seeing and amplifying the things that are not going well. On the path to a better future sibling relationship, notice and name what is working along the way (I like how you were sharing your toys; It was kind of you to let your brother choose first; you cooperated so well to clean your room quickly). Remember to celebrate what you consider to be bigger successes. Maybe this is going without a fight for a week, your child doing something to support a positive sibling relationship they haven’t done before, or seeing the growth of a new skill.
\nSeek help if needed. If your children are stuck in a pattern of a poor sibling relationship and you don’t see a way forward, a family therapist can work with you and your family to foster better interactions.
\nA solution focused brief therapy session can be an effective way to get started to better family relationships in the future.
\nAlthough a peaceful future may seem far away, taking small steps like these can help your children build a better relationship in the future.
Dr Harriet Johnston is a registered psychologist in Calgary. She works at the Eckert Psychology & Education Centre where she provides child, adolescent, and adult assessment as well as solution focused therapy to individuals, couples, and families. She also runs a solo private practice, Cowtown Psychology.
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