Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath-holding spells. They're equally common in boys and girls, and usually happen between the ages of one to three. Some kids may have tantrums often and others have them rarely. Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They're how young children show that they're upset or frustrated.
\n \nTantrums may happen when kids are tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. They can have a meltdown because they can't have something they want (like a toy or candy) or can’t get someone to do what they want (like getting a parent to pay attention to them immediately or getting a sibling to give up the tablet). Learning to deal with frustration is a skill that children gain over time.
\nTantrums are common during the second year of life, when language skills are developing. Because toddlers can't always say what they want or need and because words describing feelings are more complicated and develop later, a frustrating experience may cause a tantrum. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.
\nToddlers want independence and control over their environment – more than they can actually handle. This can lead to power struggles as a child thinks, "I can do it myself," or "I want it, give it to me." When kids discover that they can't do it and can't have everything they want, they may have a tantrum.
\nHow Can We Avoid Tantrums?
\nTry to prevent tantrums from happening in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some ideas that may help:
\nWhat Should I Do During a Tantrum?
\nKeep your cool when responding to a tantrum. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration or anger. Remind yourself that your job is helping your child learn to calm down. So you need to be calm too.
\nTantrums should be handled differently depending on why your child is upset. Sometimes, you may need to provide comfort. If your child is tired or hungry, it's time for a nap or a snack. Other times, it's best to ignore an outburst or distract your child with a new activity.
\nIf a tantrum is happening to get attention from parents, one of the best ways to reduce this behavior is to ignore it. If a tantrum happens after your child has refused something, stay calm and don't give a lot of explanations for why your child can't have what they want. Move on to another activity with your child.
\nIf a tantrum happens after your child is told to do something they don't want to do, it's best to ignore the tantrum. But, be sure that you follow through on having your child complete the task after they're calm.
\nKids who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to tantrums in public places. If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out by sitting the child on a designated chair or in the corner for just a few minutes. Be nearby so that you can supervise, but do not interact until they are calm. Be consistent. Don't give in on safety issues.
\nPreschoolers and older kids are more likely to use tantrums to get their way if they've learned that this behavior works. For school-age kids, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off while paying little attention to the behavior.
\nLet your child know that you will tell them when the time-out is over and that the sooner they are calm and quiet, the sooner it will end. This is empowering – kids can affect the outcome by their own actions, and thus gain a sense of control that was lost during the tantrum.
\nDo not reward your child's tantrum by giving in.
\nThis will only prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective.
\nConsider making a “chill out” or “calm down” spot in your home (some teachers use this in preschool as well). Use a soft cushion and provide books, a stuffed animal, some soft music, and other calming activities in a place where others won’t disturb the child. Encourage your child to go to the spot when angry or upset – not as a punishment, but as a choice and an opportunity to learn to calm down and control frustration.
\nWhat Should I Do After a Tantrum?
\nPraise your child for regaining control – for example,
\n"I like how you calmed down."
\nKids may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when they know they've been less than adorable. When your child is calm is the time for a hug and reassurance that your child is loved, no matter what. If your child is old enough to discuss the problem, help them comeup with some other ways they might have expressed their frustration.
\nMake sure your child gets enough sleep. With too little sleep, kids can become hyper, disagreeable, and have extremes in behavior. Getting enough sleep can greatly reduce tantrums. Find out how much sleep is needed at your child’s age. Most kids' sleep needs fall within a set range of hours based on their age, but each child is unique.
\nWhen Should I Call the Doctor?
\nTalk to your doctor if:
\nYour doctor also can check for any health problems that may add to the tantrums, although this is not common. Sometimes, hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays, or a learning disability can make kids more likely to have tantrums.
\nRemember, tantrums usually aren't cause for concern and generally stop on their own. As kids mature, they gain self-control. They learn to cooperate, communicate, and cope with less frustration.
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Marlowe is a Behavioral Therapist, International Speaker, Author & Founder/CEO Aspire Ranch Inc., a sanctuary for social interaction, therapeutic activities & life skills development in a nurturing environment for the Autism community. aspireranch.ca.
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