Back-to-school success for blended families

Written by: Julie Freedman Smith

Back-to-school can be a tough transition for everyone, especially for blended and two-home families. Consider the following strategies and plan now to set your family (kids and adults) up for success on the way back to school.

Keep kids “in the know”

When children don’t have information, they can feel powerless and end up fighting for power through misbehavior. The more clearly we can communicate schedules, needs, chores, and expectations to our kids, the easier it will be on the whole family. Visual representation is exactly what kids need. Build (with your child – preschool age and up) a paper, color-coded calendar, posted at kids’ eye level that highlights:

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• Extra-curricular activities
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• Required gear and supplies
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• Chores
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• Which house they’ll be in and when
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When kids can see and read this information for themselves, they feel less at the mercy of the adults in their lives. If your child asks you who’s driving, or what they need, respond with, “I know that you can check the calendar and tell me the answer, please.” This teaches them that they can take some of the responsibility for knowing what’s going on.

Ideally, a copy of this visual paper calendar, or this information in another medium, lives at the other house as well.

Parent communication

Ideally, there is a group chat for all co-parents involved so there is clarity around shared dates, custody, who’s driving, and login information for school access (grades, homework, tests, and communication).

If a note gets sent home with a child, whichever parent receives it should snap a picture and post it in the chat so that everyone knows that the information was shared and received.

Academic and attendance expectations for the child

It’s important that there is clarity about expectations for each child with achievable and measurable goals for homework completion and expected grades. In addition, it’s important to clarify what takes precedence (for example, schoolwork vs. activities, or games vs. practices). If the co-parents can agree on this in advance, and take the time to communicate it ahead of time, it can stop the child from playing one parent against the other and falling behind.

In addition, your family can build a plan for how parents will hold the child accountable for checking their homework each night, getting homework done, studying for tests, and balancing all this with extra-curricular activities. The clearer you can be about these plans with the child at the outset of school, the easier it is for everyone to do their part.

Equipment, uniforms, and other possessions at both houses

Some families have doubles of many things so that kids don’t have to take them from house to house. If your child has specific gear for their activities (for example, a choir folder, hockey stick, or karate gi) that needs to move between houses, create a specific gear bag for each activity. A checkable packing list will help your child make sure that everything they need has made it back into the bag so that it gets moved to the required house.

It can be helpful to have a weekly check-in about who is driving to and from each activity. This can be listed on the visual calendar and in the parents’ chat.

Transitions from house to house

I hear from many of my clients that the 24 hours prior to and after a house transition can be full of drama, tantrums and arguments. It can be tough for kids to leave part of a family in one house to return to the other part of a family, especially if the expectations and energy are different. We can help our kids with these transitions in part by simply expecting things to be bumpy and not setting up too many commitments for those first and last 24 hours.

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• Avoid scheduling chores and family meetings for these days because anything that can be argued about will be just to get the tension and emotions out.
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• Have a consistent landing and storage area for bags and other things that go back and forth so that kids know where to leave things to be easily found when needed.
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• Plan to keep things a bit more low-key on these days. Make time for extra hugs and catching kids up on what they missed so they feel included.
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• You know your kids: if they’re not talkers, don’t pester them with questions about their week. Often, when we create space by staying silent, or sharing our own details and then waiting, kids will share in their own time.
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Both parents cheerleading

Co-parents can find it difficult to be seated together to watch their children in sports, assemblies, and other events in their child’s life. Find a way to be in the same space that works for your family – if you need to be on opposite sides of the room, make it so. Don’t try to fit into some fairytale way of interacting if it’s going to increase the drama for everyone involved. Ideally, the adults are there to support the children, so do it in the most respectful way you can.

Ultimately, communication between co-parents can often be sketchy at best. When it comes right down to it, the only behavior we can control is our own – same goes for our homes. If you have a reluctant co-parent, work on creating as much clarity as you can for your children when they’re at your home.

Author, blogger, podcast host, and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

See our related articles:

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• Good News about Blended Families
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• First Steps - Navigating the Stages of Remarriage with Children
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• 'How to Co-Parent' Survival Guide
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